Spiral

.

I began with an

infinite

point and the edges

mustn’t touch .

.

Nietzsche & the lion:

hermeneutics of suspicion-

but

he questioned

in order to

free us, thereafter

unfree

in his own

mind; how he is

deployed by the pretentious

and co-opted

by the

fascists chafes

these

leather-wrapped

codices.

.

The scratch of pencil across paper

un_

___brok

_en

and the whis.per

of cars

gathering

the December

night

air

and delivering it

elsewhere:

.

(Spiral thumbprint),

unique and terrible,

shaky and infinite like

I am.

.

Beaded bubbles

win.

ki.ng

at the brim

of my Diet Coke–

I scrawl a

Keatsian

swirl;

.

Phenomenology

hears but

does not

listen.

.

How will I

ever

reconstitute

my

Self?

.

I have

thoughtlessly

spilled

___myself___

unconsciously

on back.lit

screens, none

of it sc.ratch.ed

in pencil,

all of it

performative.

.

Clacking keyboard

spilling my

multiplicités:

colors and

languages and

thoughts–my life, my

journal

all over

foreign screens–

colonialism of

the mind.

.

False consciousness,

release me

but

leave the light

on

behind you.

.

Forgive me,

forgive me,

forgive

me.

Waldeinsamkeit

I know a quiet

place

where songs of

fireflies

flood

the twilit

air

and heaviness

hangs

all around.

.

I know a quiet

place

where the sweet smell of decay

dances

in your nostrils

and your blood

hums

in your wrists.

.

I know a quiet

place

where the ocean is

far away

and

gray

as it whispers

in your ears

and

thrums

in your nostrils.

.

I know a quiet

place

where sawgrass

rubs its legs

together

and tunes

its cilia

to an alien

key.

.

I know a quiet

place

that grows quieter

when it is

observed

but

holier,

too.

‘Disagreements’

I recall hot purple

tears

cliff-diving and

ricocheting

off craggy

cheeks

as my feet

took me places

in my apartment

that I felt as if

I had

never

truly

been before.

.

You made choking,

wet

pops

in your

throat

and could not look directly

at

anything.

.

All the

psychoanalysis

was

killing us.

.

I was

regurgitating

the poisonous

serpent

to get it out,

and you were

swallowing

the snake

in order

to make it

dis

ap

p

e

a

r

.

.

Absurdly,

I thought:

forgiveness

is like

a prickly

pear.

.

The words we

exhumed

bent grotesquely

as we

imbued them

with

new life,

and we

_w

___a

_l

___l

_e

d

them

in

with bricks

of burnt,

acid reflux

anger—

interweaving

and interlocking

with Brunelleschian

precision.

.

Could they

last

longer,

too?

.

Quiet

Quiet,

quiet,

we do not

care

about

your insecurities;

only lift us up

when you triumph

and do not

overburden us

with what it

means

to fail

in your

particular

flavor.

.

You have such

eloquence;

you say a

thing

in your

l.i.m.b.s.

just

exactly

right.

.

Oh, but the words

of the playwright

_____f.

_lo.

____w.

through you

so

_sur.

___rep.

_ti.

___tious.

___ly…

.

I almost

for.

got.

myself

in your

velvet

melody.

.

Sing to me,

dance for me,

speak to me,

lie to me;

lie to me;

lie to me.

.

.

Quiet,

quiet,

.

lie to me,

please,

.

quiet,

quiet.

.

.

.

.

Flesh in Stone

Marble dust curled into the air, giving shape to the swirling breeze that had lifted the sculptor’s cloth that lined the workshop. The undulating wisps folded in on themselves, coming to rest slowly on the dizzying array of tools laid out before the cool block of white stone. Great mauls and hammers lay strewn about, although in a fashion that made them easy to pick from their resting places. Picks, axes, and files found their orderly place thereof. Hundreds of metal tools, each looking more nefarious than the last, lined the cart. Some were quite straight and menacing; there were heavy, thick, dull implements that seemed almost to quake as they vibrated with their potentiality; still others, curving wickedly, came to a point at the apex of their bend.

He plucked a fine-toothed comb from the cart, spinning it deftly in his hands. Smeared white chalk clung to his arms and fingers like ritualistic paint from a culture long-forgotten. Streaks of dried blood interspersed between the markings and his cracked, dry skin, lending him the fierce look of a savage beast.

When working with this stone, misplaced moisture was death. The tool ceased its whirring in a flurry of expert strokes. More of the cool shavings shot into the air, adding their counter-melody to the symphony of the stone-laden breeze. The tool, so full of life in his hands, collapsed, lifeless, back into its tomb.

His cheeks puffed out as he blew the settled dust away from his latest handiwork—an elbow. A raised vein snaked its way around the forearm, now, melting back into the skin around the wrist. Without looking, he could have enumerated every stroke, every turn of the skin, every cloven bone. His hands wiped his brow, mingled with sweat and the marble refuse.

The chips of marble had been flying that morning, leaving myriad cuts across his sweat-glazed chest and arms. The blood left by their projections melded into the marble dust, leaving behind a pink paste that dried across his stomach and arms.

His eyes darted under a close-knit brow—flitting from scene to scene: elbow; collarbone; gracefully bent knee; hands floating freely past a dress, frozen forever in the breeze that lifted her hair. The sweep of her was right. Her gait was graceful. Her limbs found their harmony in her well-balanced stance.

He had poured all of himself into the crafting of this, his first and only chance at mastery. Each appendage heralded a different virtue. Her lips curled around truth. Her arms, seemingly weightless, ushered in grace. He smiled, remembering shedding so much stone on her chin. It had to be upheld. It had to embody courage. That chin, lifted one degree more, would elicit conceit and arrogance; one less: rationalized servitude.

His fingers traced the line of her temple. His eyes were glazed over. He saw, instead, with his hands. His stroke, soft yet purposeful, met the loose strands of hair that had been caught on the crest of her ear in the wind. Days. He had spent days on that one small detail.

Her shoulders were not slumped. Her brow was not furrowed. There was an effortless grace about her visage that struck a tremulous chord in him as he took her in. Her jaw was thin, but composed—exhibiting the wiry strength of a bird wing’s bones. The faint line of it rode from her cheek to the underpinnings of her ears. She wore neither smile nor scowl. Her countenance was a thoughtful one—borne of the kind of depth that, met directly, could scare a man into looking at his hands. She wore no shoes, her feet bare and all the more resolute for it. Her breasts were proudly displayed beneath the supple flow of the dress which she wore. Their curves could make a young man blush and an elderly woman flush. Unashamed of the femininity which they represented, she did not seek to suppress them or apologize for their presence. Neither, though, did she flaunt them. They rested on a proudly erect chest, thrown defiantly at the wind which sought to revile her; to define her. A great calmness emanated from her eyes, as large as the sea unbound and as arresting as its tide.

Every crease of that dress he had traced countless times with his weary fingers. Each limb had found its shape at his incessant touch. He had caressed her every curve, first with chisel and hammer; then with pick and maul; then with precise strokes of a knife as sharp as sin; finally, he turned to the file to define her flesh. His lips had kissed her every contour. His cheek had rested against hers as he cut into her an ever-lasting testament to what a woman should be. He had found peace in her like he had yet to find any place else on earth.

He had spent months looking, touching, re-shaping. He had scoured her with metal combs, improving upon her perfections. He had conceived of her right arm aloft, in defiance of nature, and, at the last moment, found it by her side. He had agonized over decision after decision. At last, he placed the sheet atop her and watched as it cascaded down her length, shutting out the light of day, shutting out reality like he did every day when entering his workshop. The sheet rolled and twisted as gravity caught it in its dance. The white cover fluttered to a stop at her firm foothold.

——————————————————————————–

Months more passed before he went back to the workshop. The mysterious figure sat stoically in her dearth. The lifeblood of her coated everything, finally having settled in the absence of its creator. The dust, swirling about his feet as his boots crunched across the discarded chips of marble, wound its way up his length, throwing itself at his forest green trousers, clinging to him in hopes of finding a new resting place out among the grass.

The day had come. She had been wheeled out into the grove before his arrival. He wore nothing special for the occasion, feeling that his most fitting attire would be that which she had always seen him in.

His brown leather boots, cracked and weather-worn, wrapped around powerful calves birthed of the ever-askance posture of a sculptor. Dark green pants covered in tattered patches wound their way up to a gold buckle atop a broad belt. His tunic was tucked into his pants, allowing him the freedom to stalk about his subject, uniformly smothered in contrast to her free-flowing robes. A simple golden brooch lay loosened about his neck, the cape tied back over his left shoulder. On cold nights he would throw the workshop doors open to the stars and wrap himself in the cape, watching his breaths float toward her, engulfing her form as they broke upon her like waves on an ancient rock.

So much of sculpting was watching: hands as still as the stone that they were to enliven.

This was it. His hands, usually as still as a surgeon’s, had begun to tremble. He walked the gallows. Step after step up the ladder he pressed, closing his eyes in time to each creak of the ratty wood. He found his rest at its pinnacle, the unveiling upon him at last. He hadn’t thought of where to wrap the cloth around his fist for the unveiling yet. It was like that in life, too, he thought. You think so much about the events leading up to them, but the details are what demand your attention in the moment—so much so that sometimes you can’t even remember the moment, itself.

A toothy grin split the face of the only onlooker, the Miller’s son, who had wandered down from his daily perch of laziness in the nearby hillocks.

In a whirl, the sheet was whipped from her shoulders, no longer able to contain her. The marble dusting exploded into the air, mocking the blue sky with its blooming. Rippling to the ground like an alien substance, the sheet met the ground with a dull thud, its last breath causing the cloud of marble dusting to blossom once more. Through the cloud, she emerged.

The sunlight, before only there, now came in rivulets, tearing through the white cloud of spray. Bathed in light, her skin lost its translucence, turning opaque before his weary eyes. He ran a calloused hand down the crook of her upper arm, feeling its icy touch cool his thundering blood. Backing down the ladder rungs, he found his feet on the newly-whitened grass.

“Right beautiful, she is,” the Miller’s son stammered. “Coulda gone for a bigger bosom, though, ey?!”

The sculptor, though, didn’t hear him for all the deafening silence about his ears.

This “what”, within a span of seconds, had become a “who”, instead. He had crafted her. He had lovingly birthed her from unyielding stone: first by massive boulders, then by rough-hewn chunks, then by shaving dust from her tender, delicate skin. He had spent months with this woman, yet he knew her not. He knew her every curve, had spent his years among the folds of her, and yet could not lay any claim to her wild, uninhibited beauty. He had crafted her very essence, yet did not know her name. Those lips of truth, that chin of courage, the freedom about her visage, they were his ideals crafted, true, but together?

It was a stranger staring back at him.

He remembered how to breathe.

The Miller’s son had wandered off, leaving the intimacy between sculptor and sculpture to unfold. The statue, half-again as tall as he, was quite alive to him. He stooped, shaking the dust from his pant legs with a gnarled hand. He took her hand in his own. He placed his lips upon it, kissing the bones at their crest.

“My dear one,” he began, “I have spent these last years ever by your side. I have given to you my most delicate peace and taken out on you my most bestial rage. I have crafted you from experience; I have lifted you from my failures; I have summoned you from my hopes; I have given voice to you from my loftiest thoughts; I have brought together those things which I most admire; I have harmonized all that is right and good in you, and I have given my dearest powers over to your creation. I have done all of this, and, yet, now I see that I do not know you. You are more than I am, but not more than I can be. Though it should take me the balance of my life to achieve, I swear that I will traverse your great chasms of courage. I will moor myself to you, and, in you, thrive. It is to be my life’s greatest journey to take the place at your side. I will have, in you, truth. I will give to you the entirety of my love. There are undoubtedly looming specters of discontent and of evil lurking about our peripheries, but I will stand against them with you. Every joy that is yours will be redoubled as it is mine, as well; every sorrow, I will lighten by taking it also as my own. I will stand by you even if the whole world forsakes you. I do not yet know you, but I swear that I will. I will love you. You are like air to me; like breathing.”

________________________________________________________________________________

“Geez, Alex,” she smiled. “I should have known better than to let you write your own vows! My makeup isn’t THAT waterproof! Next time, just try: ‘ I do.’ “ The priest gave a knowing smile, continuing the sacrament.

The clang of the hammers was silent. The clearing no longer played host to the sculptor crafting his subject. She was here. Those tools would lay forgotten, covered in a fine white snow, cool as ice. The stars, overhead twinkling, paid homage to the two. Her hand fit in his easily, like breathing. She laid her head on his shoulder, turning over on her finger a ring.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The sky was aflame with stars.

He felt her smile on his arm. “Oo! Did you see?! There was a shooting star! You hafta wish!”

An easy smile spread on his face, now, too. “And I suppose I have to tell you what I wished for now, too?”

“Well, only if you want to…” she said, smiling sheepishly.

He smirked. “I wished that I was a sculptor, but then I realized that I have nothing left to sculpt.”

“Ya know,” she said, “you couldn’t be a sculptor if you’ve never sculpted anything before. You say the most mysterious things, sometimes, and I love it.”

“Ah. You’re right, of course. And yes, I do, don’t I?” His easy grin melted into a laugh that had been pent up for far too long. She tore off ahead of him into the clearing, hair flashing past a tree and car under the burden of a heavy snowfall.

The vision of her eyes, bright stars, lingered with him. He dusted the snow from his jacket, content.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The marble dust wound away, caught on the wind, and rode into the night.

Musical Memory

All life is a harmony
that slides–
from one day into the next
it glides;

I have found my own to be
quite irregular,
and nothing at all could tie me
all together.

(All my warmest sighing;
my aggregate darkness trying…)

You
are the melody that my soul always
sang,
but I didn’t have time
to write you down
before
you floated away,
again.

Dreamscape

I wonder aloud
about a backpack
that I left back
in an old lover’s
room,
filled with dreams
of our
future
even as
her heart
cracked
as
she emptied hers
out for the things
she felt I
lacked.

I am no
Saint—
in fact,
I am just a
Sinner,
but I’ve always
known that—
and my heart’s
no thinner
for giving myself
the right
to let my
Love
shimmer
like broken
bottle caps or
sea glass
on the beach
in
Winter.

I have
emerged from
the chrysalis,
but no one knows
like me
where the
missile is
that I
hid as a child
from the eyes
of the nosy
kind of god
my brother
was;
thistle is
a kind of
hiding place
where a child
can go
to think;
this ill is
the kind
that finds its
own cure.

If I could be
anything
small,
I’d choose to be
a moment
in a poem
where the
reader whispers,
‘Wow,’
but then forgets
to stall
long enough
to mark the page
at all;
I’ll be here
when you come looking
for me
again
after he breaks
your heart
next Fall.

The quieter we are,
the easier it goes,
but I am full of
colors—brimming
at the nose—
and when I speak
of flowers,
the word flows
like Lethe toward
unutterable Hades,
where he shows
Orpheus
that Hell
is a place
behind and
inside him
waiting simply
for
his eyes
to un.close.

Ovid
ought to have
left Orpheus
with the rocks;
I know that I think of
him when I
stare at clocks
(with my ears
mostly),
and think of 
Shakespeare’s
‘thousand natural shocks’
and how I got
to be so shabby
and tattered;
so
practiced at being
sanguine
compared to
my
pristine
condition
when I came
‘out of
the box’.

What were the ways
in which
Ancients
held
hands?
(I toss up a question,
but don’t wait to
see where it lands.)
You see, I ask
because I have
plans
to shout the moon
down from the sky
and make of
her demands.
(I only hope
she
understands.)

The Strain Before the Sound

I like to write a thing that
no one else will claim;
like maybe it’s too
ordinary
or like
a poem
or a moment
slipped by
quicker
than you were
able to
determine
whether
it was
noteworthy
or not;

That’s what loving you
is like:

the noteworthy
moments
taste
just like
the others
at first,
but the
sweetness
creeps in
the back door
when
no one’s
looking
and blooms
on your
tongue
in rememberance
like askew smiles
of diffidence.

Recall the
feeling you get
when you see a
bow being pulled
across strings;
just before
striking
sparks
from them,
you can see
the tendons
rippling against
the skin–
the antepenultimate
breath of
nightingales’
melodious
Lydian
songs;

And what
I am
struggling
to say
is:

That’s what
touching you
is like:

the strain
before
the sound.

Give me
a shaded
grove
o’ercrowded
with hanging trees
and a lament
and I will
weave a flower
in the air
for you:

lilacs
like I imagine
you
to be.

Lilacs, though,
in the fragility
of youth,
vapors
preceding
the first
opening of their
star-blooms:

the strain
before
the sound.

A March Return to Winter

Nothing ever falls
beautifully
like they say it
will.

Lilting lilies
leapt from my crooked
fingers
and
.th.lepped.
uselessly
on a dirt
floor.

I am in
a place
where
quiet things
never happen;
like heel-crushed
lily fragrance rising
to six-year old
nostrils with
swirl soft
inhales;
like hands
warmed by
tea
in old,
worn out
cups;
like eye laughter
or toes curling
in shoes;
like betrayal;
like finding God
or losing him.

Flourish-stroked
graffiti walls
match the tufts
of my hair
and no one
notices
my guilt.

I loved all things
equally
until I chose one
and then I loved
her
less
for the
choosing.

Nothing ever falls
_____bea.
________u
______ti
_______ful
_________ly
like they say
it
should.